This is a blog I just wrote an hour ago...
about my dog's passing.

I never thought I would be saying this so soon.
But my dog has passed on.
It was a joint decision with my parents and myself.
We couldn't watch him spin around and around at 15 1/2 years old,
only to watch him fall and not be able to get back up.
We know in our minds that it was for the best.
In our hearts, we weren't ready to let him go.
It was for the best.

It's just hard to be able to look at my parents.
My strong,
brave,
generous,
loving,
compassionate
parents.
And to see them so torn up over something like their "third child" as they say die of old age.
It was harder for me to see my dad who never cries at all, cry so hard over our dog.
And my mom as well.
She and I have been crying on and off about him even before we put him to sleep.
But the deed is done, and we are now going to move on in our grief stage.
It was silent and lonely on our drive back from the vet.
No one wanted to talk.
We were all stuck in our own minds,
wondering many things such as "what am i supposed to do when i get home?" or "now i have all this free time that was usually spent for him, what do i do now?' or "where will his urn go in the house?" or "how am i supposed to be on track for schoolwork when i get back to school?" "will i need to go to the therapist when i get back to school after break"
So many things to think at the same time as this.
My mom suggested right when we got into the car to grab a donut.
I was suprised.
She never suggests donuts for anything.
And on the ride home she said that if we were all drinkers, we would do shots when we got home.
It almost made me laugh.
My dad then suggested Xanax or smoking a joint, both to which my mom refused to do.
I'm a bit scared, to tell you the truth.
I've seen people when they're in grief turn to illegal things, or illegal actions.
I dont want my parents to turn to it.
Or myself, who's now wanting to drink my sorrows away more than ever, and I never had a single drink of beer.
I'm not sure how my friends are going to think about me.
Or them asking again and again how I'm feeling.
I'm not even sure if I can continue with my "possible self" for my psychology of motivation class.
I hope my teacher can understand that I am grieving and grief trumps future self anyday.
I hope my roommate won't be mad at me if I decide to ignore her when I get back from break.
It's not that I'm mad at her.
I'm just not in the mood to want to talk or hang out with people.
Just like how my mom doesn't want to watch tv anymore, because there are many shows involving people dying or hurt, and it makes her think of my dog.

Now onto my dog.
I may be biased here, but my dog, Rocky Balboa, was the best dog I could ever hope for.
I had gotten him when I was just 4 years old, and he was not even 1 lb.
He was tiny.
He was playful.
He was the most adorable Yorkshire Terrier I have ever seen.
15 1/2 years later, and just 45 minutes later after his passing on Pi Day,
I can still say that he is the best dog ever lived.
My mom tried so hard to keep him happy and healthy.
But he was living on 10 medications a day, daily to be taken.
He might have a small tumor in his head, that makes him just want to spin towards the left.
It was heartbreaking.
We knew we were doing the right thing.
We know he's happy.
We know he'll be watching over us from Heaven.
Just waiting for the day for us to meet up with him too.
So we can be a family again.
He was, and still is my dog.
My only dog.

And here I am, writing this out, almost crying. (But trying to keep it in)
My mom laying on my bed with me, watching me type this out.
And we're going to be fine.
Eventually.
We have each other, and my father, and my friends too.
We will always remember him.
In our minds,
and in our hearts.

I love you baby Rocky.
You are my life still after you're gone.

-Sonny.

R.I.P 8/25/94---3/14/10 ily Rocky.
Alison "princess" Adored - 14 years, 8 months, 20 days ago

Well this is my first journal here....even though I should probably be getting ready to get to classes in an hour or so...But anyway...

The topic today is about love, relationships, and lack thereof with me.

You see, I haven't always been the cynical realist that I tend to show to my friends. You know, the one that rolls their eyes when you tell me that you and your significant other will be "together forever". Does anyone else hate the word "forever"? I surely do. As a girl, I do tend to think myself as a romantic. Wanting to find that perfect guy for me, spending time, getting to know one another through dates and silly outings, until reality sets in and I realize at a school of pot-smoking, alcohol-drinking, video-game playing men in my town doen't seem to cut it for me.

Yes. I had boyfriends in the past. Granted they weren't very long. My first one from 13-14 years old, named Adam, I had him for 3 months total until he imed me one day saying that he couldn't take the "committment" and "responsibility" of a relationship. ....My comment to him was "what committment and responsibility? We went to different schools. I would plan what we were doing for dinner and a movie, and you would agree and we would go." That shut him up pretty quickly. I'm not sad or hurt about us "breaking up" if that was a real relationship anyway...because a few months ago I stumbled upon his facebook, granted, he was in a relationship, but he grew into his looks, in a very bad way. I looked at him and thought "how was I ever in a relationship with him?". Who knows...

The second "boyfriend" wasn't really a boyfriend, I guess. His name was Charlie. But I was still confused and pissed off how he "dumped" me. It seems like technology is in the way of true love. Why? Because AGAIN over the interwebz, he dumped me after having one date. He lived in the town next over, and at the age of 15-16 at this time, I was fine getting rides from my parents who would bring me over to see him. Now this boy was at an all-boys school...so I'm a bit curious about him....and that he didn't want his girlfriend to be...get this....So Far Away.. I proceeded to tell him that he was just 15 minutes away from me by car and that my parents didnt mind, but he wouldn't have it.

Now, the third relationship was my longest and my most fucked up one, because again, INTERNET STRIKES AGAIN, It was online.

The whole relationship.

Was ONLINE.

I know. Believe me, I was shocked too. Anyway, his name was Jude. He was also my age. He was, and is still a gorgeous guy. He just lived too far away. He lived in New Orleans, Louisiana. I know. Pretty far away from a girl in NY...Anyway, we met on a site that wasn't even for dating, and started to talk. That was two and a half years ago. He was the first guy that I thought I had a real connection with. He was sweet, kind, dominant, perverted, but all in good moderation. After the 1 and a half year mark...I noticed some changes with him. He had a bad homelife, which made him leave his parents house (all of this is supposed, because he had NO phone, NO computer, and NO webcam. Amazing how we were still communicating at this point), and to move into his best friends house. He did things that I hated: doing speed and pot at the same time, drinking massive consumption of alcohol, OD'd a few times, all while I was helplessly waiting for a text message, and IM message, SOMETHING back from him. I had to find this out from his best friend, because he knew that it would aggravate me and make me for anxious than before.

I already have an anxiety problem called, "Dermatillomania". Yeah. Google it. Its real.

Anyway, after one night, I believe it was in March on a Thursday (I was doing laundry in my dorm hall), he IMed me, saying that he and I were over. And left it at that. The curious (and nosy) person that I am, asked why? what happened? did his feelings change? Etc etc. He told me that he had a one-night stand, because "It hurt too much that you weren't here with me." ....Yes. That was his excuse. He also told me before that, that "she was easy" so I "wouldn't have to worry". ....Now, yes I pleaded him to take me back, because I wasn't the one at fault here, when now I realized, that is when I should have dumped him. Things got a little fishy after that. So we decided to take a break for the summer into my second year of college. In about August before I went back, he imed me suddenly. Now, if someone doesn't IM me for a few months, I tend to be very awkward with them, even if it was my pseudo-boyfriend. We talked, and reconciled, and I remembered the "love" that i felt for him, even though he was a thousand miles away, and I wasn't even sure if he was real. Let's fast forward to this year on my 19th birthday in October shall we...?

Well, the whole two years, I've been telling him that I wanted to hear his voice, because this whole thing was frankly just online, and I wasn't sure if I could count this as a real relationship or not. The whole two years of it, was him saying that when "i'm FULLY committed to you, i will talk with you over the phone". When the whole time, he has heard MY voice, through funny videos I had on youtube. So, on my birthday, we made a deal. He would call my phone and leave me a message. Sounded reasonable, until I realized that the message was very short, and didn't include my name or anything personal between us. Just "Hey Its Jude. Just wanted to wish you a happy birthday. I'll talk to you later, bye." It was pretty frickin weird. I called him out on it, and we fought on MY FUCKING BIRTHDAY, broke up a bit, and then got back together a week or two later. So....fast forward a month and two weeks later (yes so specific because I broke up with him on early Dec.) I was done with his antics and his last antics of doing speed and pot together so he was very high and I was worried for his fucking life. I had to break up with him. That night. I didn't care if he was high or not, because no matter how many times I told him that when he does this shit, it scares the hell out of me, he continues to do it.

Now, why is that how it is? Am I doomed to be single forever because of my "high standards" and my "pickyness" that I have when I want to date a guy? I wanted a guy who would love me the way that I am, not change me for anything (like my looks...THANKS MATT. =/) Or to feel like I'm the rebound from a long break-up, which I feel like I am to a few guys on here or in my life. So thanks again Adam, Charlie, and Jude, for completely making me have NO WAY to find a guy that's right for me.

And I just love how a friend of mine tries to set me up with a guy who I thought is pretty cute and really nice, and she approves of him for me (which is hard b/c she had a lot of boyfriends so she knows how guys work, especially on here, where they just want a slut to fuck...) so I was happy. He and I talked through webcam, face to face. He was shy, and cute, and adorable, and we had a lot in common with music, and anime, and just talked. I felt like I can be myself around him. However, good things must come to an end, right? I got an IM last night about 11pmish, where he told me his history with his ex, which reminded me of my relationship with Jude. And that he was still not sure if he could pursue a relationship with anyone for the time being. He was with her for 4 years, thats 1 1/2 years longer than me and my ex. So I knew it would take time for him to get over her, since his was an in-person relationship, as opposed to mine. I was hurt, I admit that. Because I felt he was leading me on, telling me what girls want to hear (you know the stuff), and that I told him that he shouldn't be sorry, that he and i were just friends and we can let it stay like that until one of us could move. (which Im guessing would be him because my parents dont allow me to have an online-relationship, let alone any relationship).

Anyways, skip to this morning, still feeling a bit hurt about last night, and a bit mad that a friend set me up with a guy that I'm starting to like (I ADMIT IT! I DO LIKE HIM!), and that
Alison "princess" Adored - 14 years, 10 months, 1 day ago

Blah. Just made my Joker outfit for Halloween. I'm pretty excited. My photos look amazing and I look a total badass. xD
Alison "princess" Adored - 15 years, 1 month, 16 days ago

I think I need to relax when I'm in college. And hope for snow. I need a lot of snow. I like snow. Let it snow Let it snow Let it Snow. =D
Alison "princess" Adored - 15 years, 1 month, 18 days ago