~The Truth About My Life~
The last time i felt my innocence i remember myself sat on the floor hidden behind the sofa wearing nothing but porcelain skin and true happiness to be a typical six year old playing with dolls. As i remember darkness soon falls upon me showering me with an eternal nightmare i can never seem to escape from.
The living room was dimly lit , deathly quiet apart from my little giggles as i play with my dolls. Heavy breathing soon disturbs me leaving me feeling disturbed and the smell of how i will always remember like a fusty old smell , that i really do believe should belong to the ground.
I remember everything that happened or i think i can remember everything, but i know i remember too much.
It was my grandfather stood there leaning over me like a giant with demands to "play" with me and the threats that all my family will die if i do not. He also stated the fact that everybody would hate me in the entire world and be calling me names full of hatred, it would be in the papers, i would never escape from it, it would make me wish i was dead.
So there is the six year old me sat there watching pornography, animal farm to be precise, i will never forget the mound beneath hid trousers that constantly arose like a beast waiting to pounce on its prey. How is an innocent little girl supposed to understand what that was and that it was all so wrong?
(tears well up in my eyes now)
How can a trusting family member do such a thing like this, making his own grand-daughter perform oral sex on him and even recording it all on camera.
That man is a very sick man and when i finally found some strength to let the truth come out, all evidence surprisingly was gone, i searched his house so desperately to bring him down.
But he did admit to his wrong doings after alot of arguments and denial, that battle was won, he moved out of town.
For years since it all began i wished he would die a slow painful death and alone, that dream i must say has come true.
He now has stomach cancer, he lays alone in London, a pensioners home for men only, the doctors said he would die in two-three days, that was six weeks ago and still counting.
I know it felt wrong but i was so scared and i could not even tell anyone about it as i was so worried that i would lose my mum and dad; and the fact i did not want to be hated by the world full of discust chasing me down like a witch to be burned.
So the shame, pain and hate lived and still lives with me, but i hold such a strength to move forward but i just do not know how, its like i need an angel to come to me and show me the way so i can finally find peace in my life and let go of this tension.
I never told anyone about this not even my parents for twelve or thirteen years, i just held on to this box full of black gloop that grew so big it was like a piramid in front of me blocking my way.
Till i learned how to kind of mask it over by covering it with grass and flowers, beautiful colours so vibrant but i know deep inside what still lies beneath there.
If i can somehow manage to find the strength to tear this piramid of blackness down, will it stay away forever, will the memories fade to just a nightmare, will the tastes and smells and sounds diminish to nothing.
How do i let go of this when i have lived with it all so long and so long by myself, friends and family unaware of whats happening inside my mind. A craving to be happy and confident and not feel nervous anymore.
I am here, i am alive, i am a survivor, and i want to live...
Unknown "angelica" Sleepy
- 16 years, 5 months, 3 days ago
