Feeling a lot better. Took the littles to Chuck E Cheese's tonight and that was full of many smiles. Missing a certain special pirate a lot lately, but otherwise, I feel very happy a lot. Even when I am in pain, I still find it difficult to not be happy. I missed my old self. I am glad I found her again and that she has grown into such a nice person. ^_^ <3
Cassandra Holly "Moot" Playful - 15 years, 11 months, 17 days ago

still hurts T_T
Cassandra Holly "Moot" Playful - 15 years, 11 months, 22 days ago

On the 2nd of January, I almost died. I was having what should have been a very simple surgical procedure to remove a kidney stone. I should have been in and out of the hospital within a few hours. However, as I was waking up, I ended up biting down on the oxygen mask, cutting off air flow and resulting in fluid in my lungs and in the space between my lungs and my heart. My oxygen dropped dangerously low and I awoke vomiting blood. All I could see was blood everywhere.
I was scared out of my mind and no one would tell me what was going on; however the doctors got the situation under control quickly and the next time I woke up, while I was in pain, those around me had been reassured that I was going to pull through.
Russell was there and stayed with me until the next morning. He kept telling me it was going to be okay and he was there anytime I called. He held my hand and told me he loved me. It was very comforting during a time when I needed that.
Today is our anniversary. We've been married for 5 years now. We might not be living together, but we are still married.
I don't know where things are going from here.
Cassandra Holly "Moot" Playful - 15 years, 11 months, 26 days ago

So much changed and so quickly. Russell and I have separated. We are still trying to work on our marriage, but for the time being we are living apart. The children live with me and visit with him 3 weekends a month.
I'll be starting school again soon. I'm going for EMT basic certification by summer. The girls will be in the CDC at my college while I am in class, which is great for all of us ^_^
I will probably be starting a part time job soon as well, though I've not decided just yet what that will be. I could be working an okay job making really good money or a job I'll really enjoy/be good at but for less money. Not sure which is better at this point considering how much time and energy I will already be putting into school. A full-time student and a full-time mom, I can't put too many hours into a job to begin with, but if I'm putting too much energy in it, I might not be doing as well at the other more important things in my life.
I had a great Christmas spent with family and loved ones. I was able to give a lot more presents than usual (which is weird considering I have no income) and I received some really great gifts too (including a laptop and some new Tripps.)
Overall, I am really happy right now. While life is far from perfect, I have a good sense of who I am and where I am going. I hope that in the coming days Russell joins me in this, but I know that if he doesn't I will still be okay. He told me the other day that it seemed like I didn't need him anymore and all I could think was "So what if I don't? Isn't it even more meaningful that I still want you even though I don't need you"...
Cassandra Holly "Moot" Playful - 15 years, 12 months, 2 days ago

Lithotripsy failed. Have a nasty infection and need to go back to the doctor's to get the stone lasered. drugged up a lot.. hard to stay awake but at least it doesn't hurt as bad. Life's been rough for the past few weeks. Not sure where I'll end up. More later.
Cassandra Holly "Moot" Playful - 16 years, 27 days ago