life is painful. events happen, they remind you of past things. you don't want to face the feelings that go with them. scared that you will break, scared to feel the pain. confused, are you doing the right thing? is this the right path to go down? its hard to let go, let go and let god, so hard. but you must keep going. things will look up right? you will see the light again? you will walk out of this darkness, out of this fog, this standstill, this confusion. i am so stressed. school stresses the fuck out of me, or perhaps i should say i stress the fuck out of myself in regards to school. my head constantly tells me i am going to fail, that i can't do this, and i send myself into near panic/anxiety attacks over it. where did this harsh judgement of myself come from? where did all these rules i developed for myself start? why do i beleive them only for myself but no one else. why do i doubt myself so much, see myself as less than, as a failure, as inadequate. i fear that this profession i am going into is not for me, well i should say i fear that i will not be good at it, that i don't have what it takes. i hate all the self doubt i carry. i truly hate my head and they way it works. where did all of this come from? why am i like this? what happened and where did everything go wrong? oh please i just wish my thinking could be re-wired. i try, but perhaps i am not trying hard enough. and my body again is becoming a canvas. more scars are being added, when will enough be enough. why do i add to the canvas. it will only lead me to regret later, yet i still succumb. gosh, my body is my war zone, i am my enemy. does it show the world my pain, not anymore because no one can see it. its for my eyes, to remind me? does it prove that i am ugly, that no one will want me? he said he feels as though its a slap in the face, when you say i am beautiful i add more, is it to say no, look how ugly i am, how can you say that? perhaps he is right, but i dont think so. i suppose my head tells me its the lesser of all my evils. its the one that wont do as much damage as the others. what a fallicy for it does damage, it leaves damage. it may not be as life threatening as the others, but it does it damage. it produces stares in the summer. it makes me have to hide my body at all times. when did i begin to hate myself so much? and why do i not love myself yet? when will that come? i am not sure i even like myself yet and this new way of life is supposed to make me feel better inside. is he right? 5yrs and still miserable? then why stay sober? is he correct? or is it life circumstances right now? a drink won't solve my problems, pills won't solve my problem, but sometimes i want to just drown myself in them to forget for awhile. do i even have a problem? that hurt tonight when he said that, when he makjes those remarks it gets my wheels spinning and starts to make me beleive that i don't truly have a problem. man oh man can my head have a field day with this shit. and boy oh boy it does. breathe, put one foot in front of the other, slow down, one day at a time. and the most famous words of this person lately "lighten up" ha ha i wish i could. if only you suffered from depression and anxiety perhaps you would realize that its quite difficult to just lighten up with the snap of your fingers. now yes, i have come a long way these past few years, a hell of a long way. my life isnt as shitty as i may portray it. i have grown, i have changed, and i am moving foward. its hard for me to recognize that often, so i need to remind myself. yes, you have made progress, and life is a journey to be a participant of, its not a destination, so enjoy it while you can.
Unknown "~Lucy's Fishy~" - 16 years, 8 months, 14 days ago

life is so strange. one day wanting to die, the next feeling all right. desperation and hopelessness seems to feel most of my days. as does fear, anxiety and feelings of being extremely overwhelmed. and as someone told me today the population i am working with is so overwhelming, that it adds to the feelings i all ready feel. and the feeling like i am not helping for you can not truly see change with these clients in this short amount of time. and the fear of my own life and future. don't hold expectations of others because more often than not you will be let down and be left feeling like complete shit. feelings of loneliness absolutely suck. just keep putting one foot in front of the other and take it one day at a time.
Unknown "~Lucy's Fishy~" - 16 years, 8 months, 23 days ago