Sept 9/08..................................................................................................................

As those who have read my poetry know,I am a recovering addict as well as mentally ill and heavily medicated.What I haven't touched on yet is that I had 5 yrs clean before my last 3yr relapse.
I was very active in the AA/NA/CA world. Tho it wasn't enough to keep me clean.What happened was that the mental illness that I suffer from was hidden and mistaken for cocaine psycosis .I became so sick I was hospitalised to save me from suiside.But I digress!
One of the things that I always told new comers was that you don't always get back what you lost.Peoples lives went on with out you and could and would continue to do so no matter what YOU did.
Well,2 yrs into my relapse my eldest daughter disowned me and continued to do so for the first 1.5 yrs of my sobriaty.I also lost yrs of my grandchildren's lives.They didn't even know who I was.This was hard to take as I was very close to my 1st and only grand daughter.
Well, a yr and a half ago my daughter decided to try and trust me again.It was a slow road,it still is.
But I heard that Sira-Lyn said"oh,grama's coming .She's so boring"I hurt,but it was my fault and mine to fix.I was just becomeing someone to me,why should I expect to be someone to her?I didn't know what to do.My oun words kept comeing back to me"you don't always get back what you lost"Well I tried to remember her as a baby,and remember what it was like.And I remembered that we always dressed her as a hippy,as I did with my oun kids,as I am a dyed in the wool Hippy and will be till the day I die.Apprepo of this,I have a jacket(jean,of course) that I have been working on for 15 yrs.My birthday is in Feb so it is covered with amythists,bangles,jingley shit and a large pic on the back of the sun,moon and stars.Well as it should happen my Sira-Lyn(named for me,Traci-Lyn) was born in Feb as well.So I phoned her,something I had never done before,and ask her if makeing a jacket of her own was something she would be interested in.As I write this I am crying because the sound in her voice was filled with such wonder and enthusiasum(SP) that I nearly died with joy!I went out immeditlly to buy the materials and the "new"(value village) jacket.When we arrived(they just moved out of the city)next,the antisipation in her eyes as she waited for me to get it out of the bag made me feel like Christmas,Easter,summer holidays .and my birthday all rolled in to one.I had won some of her trust! Something that is so fragile in a child,so tentative, so delicate and so easily broken.
There are about 6 or 7 days in my life that flash through my manic mind just about every day.Happy memories that get me through the day and I have added one more,I had gotten back something I had lost and all was well with the world.

If you have read this and it is full of spelling mistakes,tances out of place ,rambling sentences and what have you ...well maybe you should be a teacher.This is something I needed to share with MYSELF on "paper" for ME.If you shared it, I hope you enjoyed it but I don't really care.Have a good day.T
Traci Sigurdson "My Heart" Adored - 16 years, 3 months, 17 days ago

.............................Bread Line..........................................Edna Jaques........................

Once I stood in a bread line
With a cup and a battered plate.
And my eyes were red with hunger,
And my heart was black with hate.
But I whistled to hide my feelings,
And joked with the man ahead.
As the line moved upon it's weary feet
Waiting our bitter bread.

My rain coat flapped in the soggy wind
As we humped our backs to the cold.
And our fingers fumbled about the cups
That were clammy and hard to hold.
And after we got our food and tea,
We crouched in the heated shed,
Suddenly warm within and without
Over our borrowed bread.

Then I struck it good-- and the years have brought
Me all that a man could ask.
A home,and children and peace of mind
And the joy of a loved task.
Yet some times over the glowing coals
When the wind is wet and chill,
I shiver and crouch and reach for bread,
And I am homeless still.




If you can read this and not get chills you are heartless!:-) ...........Traci
Traci Sigurdson "My Heart" Adored - 16 years, 3 months, 20 days ago

.............................................By Krishnamurti........................................................

In oneself lies the whole world,And if you know how to look and learn,
Then the door is there and the key is in your hand.
Nobody on earth can give you that key,
Or the door to open,except yourself.
Traci Sigurdson "My Heart" Adored - 16 years, 3 months, 20 days ago

This one was written by my sister in 1979....Cheryle Sigurdson................................

I sat beside the waters edge
The boy,my lover,we made a pledge
Tho' only a stream by which love we swore,
In time I heard a river roar.


Traci Sigurdson "My Heart" Adored - 16 years, 3 months, 20 days ago

I didn't write this one,it was written by a friend......Rita Thomlinson/1991..................

Have you ever wanted someone so much that it turned into a need?
When holding him is not enough,you have to crawl inside to feel complete?
When they enter your mind and take over you heart?
I could be inside your heart and it wouldn't be enough.
Traci Sigurdson "My Heart" Adored - 16 years, 3 months, 20 days ago