a bar manager’s legacy
O.K, seeing as I've run clubs for just about ever, I thought I would help some of you guys out in enjoying your nights out with a little understanding of how things ACTUALLY are. There are a lot of myths and things that some need to get straight. From the "you must have smoked yourself retarded" to the "what in THE FUCK was that guy thinking" to the "he must be from planet what the fuck", I've seen just about all. So let's get some things straight that might help you from being cut off and enjoying your night a little more...
Birthday Drinks: This is a myth. There are NO laws on the book what so ever that requires bars or clubs to give you free drinks on your birthday. It's a common courtesy amongst bars, but not required. You go in demanding it and I can tell you unquestionably that you probably don't want to drink what you are being served.
Dart Players: Just because you throw a hat trick does not mean you get free shit. It's the same rule as the Birthday Drink. No law requires us to give it. However, dart players are under the assumption that it is a law and sometimes DEMAND it. That is never your best option.
Don't TELL The Staff Anything: Most good clubs will give you the impression that you call the shots. You're in charge. The reality of it though is you control nothing. We let you breathe the air you breathe. We afford you the privilege to sit there and pay premium prices for things without being beaten up or thrown in jail or both. Acting like you own the place is a good way to get both.
Whistling: This is a serious no-no. . Unless you are blind and your seeing eye dog has gone astray, don't whistle. Not ever. There is probably a good reason you feel the need to whistle. It's because you are being ignored for doing something equally stupid and by whistling just got yourself put further down the list of idiots not to pay attention to.
Tapping Things On The Bar To Get Attention: Again, not a good idea. The second people tap things on the bar is the second most folks in this business look for a vile of Visine for your drink. Yes, it only does take a drop of it, and no, you will not like the effect it has on you. Don't believe me? Try it. Just one drop and leave the bathroom door unlocked.
"Hook It Up" And "Make It Strong": This entices people in this business to short shot the fuck out of you. You might as well say "I would like to pay a lot of money for absolutely nothing." It's the same thing.
Figure Out What You Want BEFORE You Get To The Bar: Here's a classic example. "Gimme a bucket of beer." "Sure, what kind?" What kind do you have?" Well WHAT KIND DO YOU FUCKING DRINK!?! You don't know what kind of beer you want but you want a whole bucket of it!?! Or better yet, "Do you have Bud Lite?" "No, we're the only bar on the planet that doesn't. It's what we are famous for." Idiots...
Being Cut Off: Understand this. It happens to everyone not just you. Being polite about it is your only and best option. You will not convince anyone that you are not drunk. To try to do so only furthers the notion that you are wasted. No sober man, or woman, will walk a straight line, or try to touch his or her own nose, while sober. It's something that only drunks do.
Having Drinks Delivered To Good Looking Women: You are wasting your time. If they are that fine and you are that much of a loser that you can't bring it to them yourself, trust me when I tell you that you don't stand a chance. There is nothing mysterious about having a drink delivered and the women laugh when you do it.
a.) If the woman accepts the drink, they are NOT "there with you". It's not a bill of sale. They were thirsty, you bought, and they laughed, that's about it. Just because she accepts a beer from you does not mean she will accept your cock in her face later on.
b.) If said woman is with a guy and you insist upon being a jackass by buying her a drink send him one too. Most guys aren't so tempted to stomp you into a bloody pile of meat if you are providing free beer. Who knows? He might be just a friend of hers. And then again, he might be just looking for a place to stick his new knife. Don't be stupid... buy him a drink too.
Old Men: These are the most dangerous people in any given bar around the world. Why? Because they have been in bars, have danced that dance and have been doing this longer than most of us have been alive. You think in all those years they haven't figured out how to kill you with a coaster without spilling a drop of beer? Trust me; don't fuck with that old man at the bar. It's not his first rodeo.
Singing: It may sound good to you. To the rest of us that haven't been handed a bottle of tequila and a straw, you sound like the next guy that will make the spoofs of American Idol. Trust me, you sound like shit.
We Don't Care: If you've recently lost your wife or your dog has run away or vice versa, trust me when I tell you we don't care. We may nod empathetically and say things like "Man, really sorry to hear it" but in the end we just don't give a fuck and most likely will laugh the second you are gone. We're not psychologists. You want us to REALLY listen? Fork over $100 an hour and we'll tell you just how fucked up you really are.
Minors: When you try to get into a club, standing at the back of the line of your friends is a dead give away that you are a minor. You really can't hide. Oh, I know, you'll go to the bathroom, right? Uh huh... That only confirms the suspicion. Know that you risk other people's lives when you drink under age and once caught, best thing to do is run if ever spotted on the street. We take it personally.
Tipping: It's not a city in China. If you can't afford to tip, you shouldn't be at a club or bar. Sit home and let your fat wife serve you. These people do it for a living.
The Waitresses And Bartenders: They are NOT going home with you. No matter how much money you give them, no matter what they might lead you on to believe, few of them find you attractive and even fewer have ANY notion of going home with you. We see thousands just like you every day. If you were so special, you wouldn't be there alone to begin with.
Her Tits: No, they are not real. Stop wondering. Even though you helped pay for them does not mean you get to see them, so stop asking.
Don't Ask: Don't ask for "girly drinks for your lady" in front of your lady. Fact is she can probably drink you under the table and most "girly drinks" these days will straighten your pubic hair. Let her order for herself and just be happy drinking that wimpy ol beer.
Tabs: Yes, you really did drink that much. No, it's not impossible. No, no one padded your tab. The reason you are questioning the tab is because you are fucked up. The reason you are fucked up is because you had all those drinks.
Never Say: "I'll catch you on the next round" and not tip. Most people I know in this business will also catch YOU on the next round.
Kimberly "MisfitKim" Sexy
- 15 years, 5 months, 17 days ago
