It's been a while since I wrote anything and truth be told, I didn't need to do so. Didn't have the heart to do so actually. Since a few months now, nearly all my friends are getting into relationships (or were in one already) or got their family on the way or already had kids of their own. Now,The more time passes by since I've been single (Close to two years now), the more I wonder about tomorrow for me... Perhaps there will be a time where I'll have my own family again? Who knows... (Never had kids but considered my former half as family...and it was, past tense)...I start to really doubt it...But, all in due time, I know...I know, But it's getting heavier on my conscience... I get emotional because of it and I know I shouldn't be... I mean, I'm not jealous of them, I'm happy for them, I truly am...If I'm terribly sad but people around me are happy... I guess, I have to show them my happiness... But it's getting tougher to hide it. The crew and I just got together this weekend and truth be told, they saw that something was 'off' about me, I was a lot more silencious than I used to be...I told them that yes, I'm worried...But I'm not going to do anything irrational, but hiding it and keeping it all in is getting near impossible. If I had to choose to be alone and they, all of them, with family and love... I guess it's a sacrifice I'd take for them... All I'm trying to write right now is that I can finally understand how someone can be happy and sad at once... Perhaps it's just a very cloudy period... but I know ''A flower cannot blossom without sunshine, and man cannot live without love.'' (The last quote part was from Max Muller)... I can finally say that while yes, I'm not dependent, being alone for such a long time sure isn't my cup of tea... And hopefully, if I have to take that kind of burden on my shoulders...The only thing I can wish for all of you...Is to be happy for me...
Nikola "Protected " - 8 years, 1 month, 10 days ago

...I know what I'm worth, but I feel like I'm the only one seeing it... I know I'm not the only one feeling this way and I apologize to everyone who feels the same... Life can sure make 'us' feel lonely at times...
Nikola "Protected " - 8 years, 2 months, 17 days ago

''"“She warned him not to be deceived by appearances, for beauty is found within.” "'' That quote... is from Beauty and the beast.The reason I made it into my 'header' is simple ; Recently, I've been told (Again, because it happened before) that I look scary/imposing/evil... (Mind you, not by the same person). Even my vocalist said a few of those but she also said 'When we get to know you, you are not anything bad far from it even, you just look that way'' (After all it helps for the job doesn't it?) and it made me really think. It also made me feel...quite sad actually. That's one reason I removed a few pictures on here (and also why I don't have many taken anymore). I'm very critical of myself and I'm probably the hardest critic about myself too.

I realize now, more than ever, yes, people are quick to judge by the appearance alone. and even though I never had troubles to meet women before (Sounds cocky, but it's not at all that) (Nowadays I don't want to rush anything and get hurt again, anyway) I know that I'm seen as 'evil looking' and 'imposing'... So, I may have been lucky before because I am 100% sure that it plays against me right now, very badly too... How could a gentle soft kind hearted woman want to talk to a person (To get to know him) that is apparently imposing' / ''scary''?! They'll be scared or too shy and they won't talk at all... (Mind you, my ex-wife, who knew me better than most, said that at first, she was scared too!).

...And I know it plays against me most of the times too... Usually it's one type of woman that approaches me... And both my exes were like that : bookworms. I'm the beast to their Belle. It's always the same thing... ''The thing to revolt with'' / They have that fantasy about 'Finding their beast'', which is odd...

I was told that I look good though, smell good, and all that...(And by looking at men around me, yes, I don't look bad at all, some men could actually do some efforts too, you know, train and use soap dudes and learn some damn manners as well...) And once you get to know me it's a very different story... But, truth be told...When I hear that I'm ''imposing/scary' looking... It hurts to hear it. It hurts to know that it might push people away just because I may look more 'different than most' (and we're in 2016, goddamnit, how is long haired, piercing and green eyes and just being well dressed considered 'different' or even scary?! There's people with one side of head shaved with purple blue hair and tattoos on their face now...)... It hurts because I know that no matter how much I'd try to 'fix myself physically' that I'll just end up looking mean and''Not approachable'. At least 'look wise'... I believe in ''Perception is reality' for anything media wise and marketing but when you mix charisma and imposing/eccentric at once for personal life, it makes it very difficult.

When all I could ask for, at the moment, is a chance to be known for who I am by someone who's kind hearted...The shell I created long ago keeps 'em at bay, while I roam. alone... And it hurts... It hurts...
Nikola "Protected " - 8 years, 3 months, 18 days ago

I hate when this happens... I should never have to dream about you again, never. Not even once. But, I still do. I hate it. It makes me hate myself and it makes me hate you even more. For all the lies & sadness that you brought in and for all the time spent, in a very harsh period of my life where I couldn't be myself and needed your support the most, to have been dropped as if I was not mattering to you, and you knew you were 'Mi Sol' (Meant it, because if I felt lost at the time, I could gravitate around you and 'know' I was going to be fine but it seems that was also a lie that I felt from you)... I hate it all... I hate to dream about you, the one person who I trusted the most and that broke me in thousand pieces... Why do I STILL dream about you, a year later?! I am over you. I am worth more than you... and I know it deep down, That I am truly a better person and that if I'm ever 'lucky', that I'll find much better later on in life....But, You, you still haunt my dreams. Still... Just go away... Just stay out of my dreams. Please...Stay out of my dreams.
Nikola "Protected " - 8 years, 4 months, 9 days ago