Nobody here actually knows me, which is why I'm saying this here, I suppose. I don't really want to burden anyone with this, but I fear if I don't say anything I may self-destruct. This message may come out as selfish, even childish, I'm not sure, but here goes.
I don't understand how people who are supposed to love and care for you can be so cold and cruel. No matter how hard you try, it's never really enough. They never are truly satisfied. I try and I try, I do whatever you ask of me without complaint. You say, "Jump" and I don't ask how high I just do it. The only thing I really ask from you are cigarettes and, on an occassion, books. And a lot of the times I don't even get the latter. I feel as though I'm not wanted except as a live-in nanny. I shouldn't feel like that. You're my second mom and my real mom just goes along with whatever you say, never contradicting you. I'm sick and tired of feeling used!
I suppose another reason I'm writing this is because I don't want to start cutting again. It cannot become an escape, never again. At one time it was the only thing that could make me feel human, and lot like a piece of trash laying on the side of the street. I don't really feel worthy of living. No, I'm not contemplating suicide, I'm far too much of a coward to try that.
I feel stifled and suffocated. I'm considered an adult by American law, yet you guys don't treat me as such. I'm nineteen years old and I feel like a ten year old because you treat me like that. I have to walk on eggshells around you, and that's ridiculous. You're family. You've always told me that whenever I'm mad or upset at you to tell you, yet whenever I do you go off the deep end!
I need to find my place where I truly belong and am truly happy. That place obviously isn't here. I have no idea where it is, but I hope I find it soon, before my demons take over and I do or say something that I know I'll regret.
Perhaps I should tell you a little bit about myself to help you understand how it is that I am feeling so dejected. I however, don't want to feel like I'm tooting my own horn. I'm sure many of my family, and the few friends that I used to have, think I have a lot of self-esteem, but I don't. It's just an act. I'm not a confident person, I have a temper, one I've learned to keep under tight control. I don't like taking for myself, and I hate being mean to people, even people I really don't like. I think too much of what people's opinions of me are, and I take a lot of things to heart, even when I shouldn't.
I feel as though I'm drowning and that everytime I get but a few inches from breaking the surface and taking in the glorious air I get pulled back down. I think I'll take back what I said about you being cold and cruel. I don't think you realize you're doing what you are. I love you so much Lacy (Name changed), and I know you love me like a daughter, but you can't get offended at every little thing.
I may say something out of concern and you totally twist my words around. You think that you understand me, know what's going on in my head, but you don't. I don't think you ever will. Just like I don't think you'll ever trully accept me, either of you. In order to do that, you have to accept all of me; including my bisexuality and my choice to be Wiccan. I don' think you'l ever be able to, though.
Wow....that is a lot longer than I thought it would be, and I didn't even swear, heh. Again, I apologize to all of you for dumping my emotional garbage on you, but I needed to tell someone about it.
Ethosulex "MYNE MiK@sA NFS" Naughty
- 9 years, 5 months, 5 days ago