She said she was gonna do the dishes, I did it for her anyways, the deep cut between my finger hurts like hell though, think I've worsen it. Not sure how I'm gonna work tomorrow. Oh well, did it because I love her. Time to head onto bed, body could use some accelerate healing. I asked her a couple of questions that've been bothering me, her answers seems genuine, so I'm at ease now. Anyways, working morning shift tomorrow, better get some sleep...
Jay C Calm - 11 years, 5 months, 29 days ago

Turns out feelings are mutual. Though, the worry persists. Worrying about lots of things, and all the voices kept talking at the same time, it's too hard to focus, too hard to search for a solution. But suppose time will iron it all out eventually. Patients and willpower is what I need, I've strifed through for so long, just that bit longer shouldn't be a problem. After the pitch dark storm will raise that beautiful rainbow. I will survive.
Jay C Calm - 11 years, 6 months, 1 day ago

It's been awhile since my last update. Things changed a lot since then. Not gonna go into every details, but I suppose things finally looking up for me now. I'm currently exhausted, so I'm not gonna continue much. But let's just say I'm happy for these few days, and...Well, there are a lot on my mind, but I'll figure all them out sooner or later.
Jay C Calm - 11 years, 6 months, 1 day ago

Ever since that night they fought, my system seems to have broken down. All my mental protocol malfunctioned. I can't believe I told her that I have had feelings for her since the beginning. Now...Well, I don't know. I suppose things haven't gotten to the state of awkward. But I kept getting pulled back into a deep depression. Just chucked half a bottle of vodka, started cutting again. I know, I shouldn't, harming myself isn't gonna solve anything. But a fact is that, turning emotional pain into physical pain is easier to deal with. At least for me it is.

I don't really know why I fall for her, I mean...She didn't even notice all the cuts on my arms. When I walked her to walk, she didn't even look back. It almost seems as if she doesn't care about anybody but herself. Though, I do feel like she cares about me at times. I don't know anymore. It is strange that me and her seems to have some kinda extra sense of connection. When she's upset, I get affected easily. But I don't really care...

Tomorrow I got work. She's planning on breaking up with her fiance. Not because of me, but because she can't stand him anymore. But that's not for another 6 months because of the lease, a contract they signed for the apartment. I don't know how I should feel, perhaps that is exactly why I'm stuck in this depression spiral.

The guy isn't a bad guy, I do think he actually loves her. But...He's just really a simpleton I suppose, doesn't know how to control his strength, doesn't know how to be sensitive towards a girl I guess. I would feel bad if they are over, and he'll be alone once more. But I guess I'll feel even worse if she's not happy with him. And selfishly, I do wish they will be over, so I'll finally be able to step in...

If I haven't been a coward, the guy with her right now, would be me. Not him. I gave her up because I thought he would've gave her better happiness than I could. Suppose I was wrong. I really don't know anymore. I'm trying so hard to forget everything that has happened. I've to put my game face on at work, there are too much at stake here. I don't want to be humiliated, or look down on.

I've always been proud of myself, able to control my mind, my emotion. Mind over matter, yet. Just one night, and all these crumbles down, and now I have no clue what to do.

Will I wake up and everything gets better...? God please take my pain away, before I take it away myself...
Jay C Calm - 11 years, 6 months, 5 days ago

So...It's been a very busy day at work. As usual, I'm the only guy on the front, so I got all the heavy lifting dangerous jobs to do, while serving waves and waves of customers. I have been appointed to do so many things that I couldn't even finish before I get off.

If my main objective is to be the main cashier, then obviously all the other jobs will be secondary priority. Not first, but as usual, they are trying to imagine I'm superman and get all the things done all at the same time. I honestly barely got anytime to myself to do anything that I'm appointed to. Served wave of customers, walk out of cash about 2 feet, going to finish the other objective, another customers comes up, and I had to run back to the cash to serve them.

But side of that, after a few "investigation", finally figured out who been talking behind my back. Well, no offence ladies and girls. But the culprits turns out to be bitches and sluts who enjoys talking behind people's back, gossip, and jealousy.

Side topic, it is a well known fact that Canadian women are...Um...What's a better word than...Well, Canadian women are difficult, let's just leave it at that. Canadian males knows that, and it is possible that it is exactly that problem, there are so many interracial relationship blooms. BUT! I do not believe in generalization and stereotype, I believe everybody is different, but...Yea, I'm really disappointed.

When I heard from my friend that, a co-worker of mine have been talking behind my back, that she's not convinced that I'm a supervisor in training. I felt upset, not sure why. But moments later, I figured out, and the reason is because I feel insulted. Look, if they've been working there for over 2 years, and still just a cashier or merchandiser. Then OBVIOUSLY something is...Not right.

Yea, I'm new, so what? I'm new to the place I work, I'm new to the position. I've never even done cash before, and I've already mastered the position within 3 weeks. All is left is for me to gain experience and different situation handling. In a way, I really hate to be arrogant, but I believe that means I AM better than them. And they wonder why they aren't the ones that gets the position.

They might argue with - But Jay doesn't speak French!
Alright, we live in Canada, main language is English. Just because where I work close to Quebec and I've to learn how to speak French? So does that mean if they work near Toronto to need to learn Chinese? And if my job requires to be nation wide, does that mean I've to learn over atleast 20 different languages? Seriously, don't tell me to learn French, alright, I don't mind learning French just because I do want to know how to speak more languages. But don't tell me I need to learn, just because you don't speak fucking English. Welcome to Canada! Main language is En-fucking-lish. Go to French and I'll let you teach me all the freaking French you want.

Back to topic, so I confronted one of the little girl. Literally, she's still in high school and still have a high school mentality. You don't need me to tell you how they are, you know...Those roams in packs and cover their mouths when they go "O~M~G~!". I told her, you do know I wasn't lying about me being a supervisor right? I'm just in training. And she goes on about how she knows but doesn't care. Saying how if my manager sees that in me, then that's fine. That's exactly the problem right there.

She worked there longer than me, yet she still requires my assistant when a tiny problem arise. Really? "If the manager sees that in me"? Missy, I had to actually help you when I've only worked at that place for 1 freaking month. You're telling me, don't tell you what to do and what not, yet you still couldn't figure out a simple solution to a simple problem after you've been here for at least 2 years?

Facepalm moments for god sakes. I posted this on my facebook as my status. I'll post it here as well, because I'm just so frustrated that makes me wanna cry.

"I can't stand so many people on this world. What's your secret guys? How do you hold yourself back for not wanting to kill all those fucking seriously borderline retarded stupid people?"

No really, what's your secret guys?

I really don't understand what's the deal with them. Yea I'm new. But instead of actually training me for the better, how come I always gets the toughest job and the others are just freaking walking around the store, swinging their hands back and forth and tidy up products when they feel like it? Why am I the only one sweating and actually WORKING?

K I'm done ranting. I'm really not a people person. I tried my best to be nice to all of them, trying to change how supervisors are, I wanted to be friendly and not so much a bossy type. And what do I get?
Jay C Calm - 11 years, 6 months, 6 days ago