so last nite, anthony and i went out to dinner. Before we went to dinner he seemed mopey. Then we left, we got lost becuz he cnt follow directions and doesnt know his way around the state. I do. I asked to drive he refused to let me, got pissy and snapped at me. We were meeting a mutual friend of ours, shes more my friend than his, but she offered to treat us to dinner. When we finally got there, anthony sat in the corner of the booth, not speaking even when directly spoken to and playing on his phone the whole nite. He even refused at first to order even though he was very hungry. I had a few alcoholic drinks, a few more than i usually do cuz i couldnt deal with his behavior. When we got in the car i cried the whole way home. When we started talking about things, I was a lil drunk and everything just came pouring out. How all he is is mean to me anymore, how no one wants to be around him anymore, including a bunch of HIS friends who said theyd rather spend time with me, which didnt make me feel good at all. And all he could say to that was that he didnt care. so i told him i didnt want to marry him n e more. i told him that i didnt want him to come to North Carolina becuz hed be even more miserable than he is now, except thered b new ppl hed make an awful impression on and new friends of mine that hed insult. Our friend that we went out with last night felt insulted... and rightly so. she invited US out to dinner and offered to pay just for him to sit in the corner of the booth and ignore everyone all nite.
When i asked him point blank why hes been so mean and treating me so awfully lately, all he could say was that he was jealous of me, jealous that I had friends and he didnt. But that isnt the case in the least. He has a lot more friends than i do, hes just been pushing them away. And my friends, the 3 of them that i actually trust and consider family, live 2, 7 and 10 hours away from me. plus i pointed out that he has family where i do not. when i explained all of this to him and put it in perspective, then asked him again why hes been so mean and awful to me lately, he couldnt answer.
today when we spoke, he told me he was going to the doctor and have the doctor put him back on his antidepressants. but i dont believe that is going to solve anything and i told him so. antidepressants arent going to teach him how to be more social, or treat other ppl respectfully. They arent going to teach him how to treat me like im the most important person in the world to him or like im his other half. they arent going to teach him how to be romantic or treat me special and make me feel safe and happy. Nowadays, as sad as this sounds, im happier when we arent with eachother.
so after i talked and told him how i felt, u kno what he got outa what i said? that he doesnt have money so he cant buy me whatever i want. That wasnt what i had said at all. what i had said was that i would do anything for him, i couldnt say the same about him doing that for me. he totally mistconstrued that.
2 months before i met anthony, i was in this awful relationship (if u could even call it that) with this guy named pete. i spent a year with him, thinking i could some day b with him. He would tell me horrible things, completely broke me down, would tell me i was fat and ugly and then the next day call me, somehow convince me to come over and rape me. and i would say no, but in the end he would somehow manipulate me to do it. I hated it. I felt like shit, felt dirty and hated myself. Anyways, one nite i was lying in bed with him, he had moved into my new apartment with me and we only had one bed and a reclining chair, and he would wake me up and 3am, fuck me and then fall asleep, not holding me mind u or anything like that.
This one particular night i fell back asleep and fell into this other world so to speak. it was beautiful. I was standing on the beach, wind blowing my hair and i could feel the sun on my face. it was one of those dreams that felt so very real. Anyway, i walked into this huge house which was right on the beach. The house smelled of ocean air, which is my favorite smell in all the world, and my family was in the livingroom, my dad, my stepmom, my brothers. everyone. and usually im very nervous around them... but all of a sudden this man comes up behind me, and wraps his arms around me. i cnt see his face but his lips brush my cheek and he smiles... i remembered his smile. and all i feel is serenity... safety. i woke up so happy. i could still feel that embrace and the kiss on my cheek. i could still c that smile in my mind.
2 months later i met anthony. and the minute he touched my hand, the dream came rushing back and then he smiled. that smile still lights up a room for me. like when i bought him his first bearded dragon. or the first time i said i love u... and his embrace relaxes me just like the one in my dream, too bad he wont touch me when we r out in public or in front of ppl at all.
i would do n e thing for this kid... i think thats the worst part about this cuz he knows that. so he knows when i threaten to leave, i could never actually do it. i love him too much. far more than he loves me. and i explained that was how i felt and he just denies it. i explained how i could write pages and talk for hours about the reasons and ways i love him... when i ask him y he loves me, all he can say is "brat nose" when i get mad, he says cuz u make me happy. but to me, thats not a response. I make a lot of ppl happy all the time, friends, the kids i watch, u when u were able to open up to me, doesnt mean that they all love me. u kno what i mean? and when we walk down that aisle, if that actually is going to happen, and he has to say his vows which i want written, he cant say "brat nose"! he needs to tell the room and me why he is marrying me, why i am it. why he loves me. does that make sense?
and when i studdered and couldnt verbalize what i wanted.. he answered for me saying, u want ur fairytale. I do. Is that so wrong? I want someone thats going to want to go out with me every once in a while. I want someone who is going to try to be a little social. I want someone thats going to test me, thats going to make me want to be a better person than i already am. I want someone that is going to chase me on the beach and kiss me just because the sun is shining and i am theirs to kiss, no matter where we r. i want someone that is going to show me new things and make me want to c the world through their eyes. I want someone that I can walk through life with like its all a big adventure and no matter what, no matter how hard or scary it gets, they r gunna b standing there by my side holding my hand. Is that so wrong to want?
Erica Reed Serene
- 13 years, 10 months, 24 days ago
