I finally got some material for my artwork (collages)... and I made three that day.
The first I made for my parents anniversary... it was something beautiful and colorful on a background of black and white. They loved it.
The second I made to get off my chest how I felt about a boy... it was dark... but it adequately expressed what I needed to say. All of the things that I can't utter aloud... all the things that make it hard for me to talk to him, or to be near him, or to look at him. All of those things I got out on that piece of canvas.
The third was dark as well... it seems that my artwork is becoming dark and sweetly twisted... slightly bitter. This last one was about a girl who wants to belong to herself more than to anyone else, but is scared of how hard her heart beats. There was splashes of color, mainly red and white. There was also a picture of an animal smiling while being disected. I think that is fitting...
The boy asked me that night to leave them out for him to see... because he likes collages so much, especially mine because they are filled with things to see. So I did. He saw them today and said only that they were "powerful."
What does that even mean?
Femme Peacock ".Toxic Candy." Playful - 14 years, 7 months, 26 days ago

I got broken up with on the same day as my grandfather's funeral... hopefully tomorrow is better, because today fucking sucked.
Femme Peacock ".Toxic Candy." Playful - 14 years, 8 months, 17 days ago

Tonight I stood by my grandfather's bed as he kept talking about how he had died... how he had seen it on the television, and that he was truly dead. I saw him without his teeth in or his hair brushed... I heard his breath rattle in his chest... he reeked of the ICU of the hospital. Everything reminded me of my daddy's death... especially the familiar feeling of running away from a room to cry by myself. I keep trying to assure myself that it is going to be alright... that it's okay for him to die because he wants to... that it would be unkind and selfish to want him to stay a little while longer. I just want to hug him, or for him know I was there and to tell him I love him... I stood there with my hand on his shoulder and I couldn't think of anything to say or to do. I was empty...
What I want right now is a cigarette and a stiff drink... and someone to hold me close and let me cry, and tell me it's all going to be alright even though it isn't going to be. I want someone warm beside me tonight, more than I have in a really long time... I just don't want to be alone. I'm so worried and scared and sad... I don't know what to do, except cry and rant on a stupid blog. I wish someone would see my hurt and take care of me... just for one night.
Femme Peacock ".Toxic Candy." Playful - 14 years, 8 months, 22 days ago

Have you ever listened to a song and had something inside you click? Like, that song... at that moment... just unlocked a piece of your soul. I've had that happen a lot lately... its kind of wonderful to have your soul let you know what the hell is going on. Today it happened with Beethoven's ninth symphony (Ode to Joy). Yesterday... it was Cat Stevens' "If you want to sing out, sing out."
I feel free when that happens.... <3

Femme Peacock ".Toxic Candy." Playful - 14 years, 8 months, 23 days ago

The siren sings.
Soft lips, smooth skin, sweet perfume
Combine to create a vision of beauty.
The jester smiles.
Femme Peacock ".Toxic Candy." Playful - 14 years, 8 months, 25 days ago