I feel buried in bad things. Every decision I have made lately to improve my life has absolutely blown up in my face. Right now if it can go wrong it will. How exactly does one get up from that, and continue on like everyone tells me. Each time I lift my head in hope something comes crashing down on it. My car, my jobs, my house, my love, my family. I'm tired of being barraged by bad things. And people expecting me to just trudge on, head up fake smile on my face.
My car is trashed, my new employers lied to me about the job, my family members keep getting terminal diseases, and despite all efforts apparently I'm still not good enough for him. My bank accounts are still in the negative, old employers are now pissed at me and don't even want me to finish my two weeks there because of my car (so much for staying friends)
I *thought* a new job would make things better, I'd be making more with better hours, and opportunity for advancement finally. JUST KIDDING. New job sucks, the hours are WAY longer then any one told me, the job is TOTALLY different then how they sold it to me as, and It's looking like the idea of advancement is just a carrot dangling in front of me so I stay.
My Car. F my car, it went from perfect shape to totally janky, after all the shenanigans with my chains flying off in the snow, batteries dieing, crack in my windshield, getting side swiped, FINALLY got a new battery so it would work. JUST KIDDING. Totally wasn't my battery, definitely was my alternator, which left me stranded on the free way in the cold and rain at 11 o'clock last night.
I just lost my grandfather in the end of december, then almost my grandmother right after that, she's just barely pulled through, and now my other grandfather has cancer? Apparently older, respectable family members to look up to and appreciate just aren't meant to be in my life.
I'm trying so hard to step it up and provide him with what he needs, but I've never been told I wasn't enough, wasn't giving enough, wasn't good enough, kind of kills my self esteem, now I have to re convince my self that not only am I good enough etc but I have to take a step beyond that to actually *be* enough. I'm failing miserably. Who knows how much longer he'll put up with it.
and. I don't have anywhere to vent this but on humanpets. f my life.
I can't wait for things to turn around for real.
Kathleen Zwickl "KayZee" Calm
- 14 years, 9 months, 9 days ago
