There once was a young person named Red Riding Hood who lived with her mother on the edge of a large wood. One day her mother asked her to take a basket of fresh fruit and mineral water to her grandmother's house--not because this was womyn's work, mind you, but because the deed was generous and helped engender a feeling of community. Furthermore, her grandmother was not sick, but rather was in full physical and mental health and was fully capable of taking care of herself as a mature adult.

So Red Riding Hood set off with her basket through the woods. Many people believed that the forest was a foreboding and dangerous place and never set foot in it. Red Riding Hood, however, was confident enough in her own budding sexuality that such obvious Freudian imagery did not intimidate her.

On the way to Grandma's house, Red Riding Hood was accosted by a wolf. who asked her what was in her basket. She replied, "Some healthful snacks for my grandmother, who is certainly capable of taking care of herself as a mature adult."

The wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl to walk through these woods alone."

Red Riding Hood said, "I find your sexist remark offensive in the extreme, but I will ignore it because of your traditional status as an outcast from society, the stress of which has caused you to develop your own, entirely valid, worldview. Now, if you'll excuse me, I must be on my way."

Red Riding Hood walked on along the main path. But, because his status outside society had freed him from slavish adherence to linear, Western-style thought, the wolf knew a quicker route to Grandma's house. He burst into the house and ate Grandma, an entirely valid course of action for a carnivore such as himself. Then, unhampered by rigid, traditionalist notions of what was masculine or feminine, he put on Grandma's nightclothes and crawled into bed.

Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said, "Grandma, I have brought you some fatfree, sodium-free snacks to salute you in your role of a wise and nurturing matriarch."

From the bed, the wolf said softly, "Come closer, child, so that I might see you."

Red Riding Hood said, "Oh, I forgot you are as optically challenged as a bat. Grandma, what big eyes you have!"

"They have seen much, and forgiven much, my dear."

"Grandma, what a big nose you have, only relatively, of course, and certainly attractive in its own way."

"It has smelled much, and forgiven much, my dear."

"Grandma, what big teeth you have!"

The wolf said, "I am happy with who I am and what I am," and leaped out of bed. He grabbed Red Riding Hood in his claws, intent on devouring her. Red Riding Hood screamed, not out of alarm at the wolf's apparent tendency toward crossdressing, but because of his willful invasion of her personal space.

Her screams were heard by a passing woodchopperperson (or log-fuel technician, as he preferred to be called). When he burst into the cottage, he saw the melee and tried to intervene. But as he raised his ax, Red Riding Hood and the wolf both stopped.

"And just what do you think you're doing?" asked Red Riding Hood.

The woodchopper-person blinked and tried to answer, but no words came to him.

"Bursting in here like a Neanderthal, trusting your weapon to do your thinking for you!" she exclaimed. "Sexist! Speciesist! How dare you assume that womyn and wolves can't solve their own problems without a man's help!"

When she heard Red Riding Hood's impassioned speech, Grandma jumped out of the wolf's mouth, seized the woodchopperperson's ax, and cut his head off. After this ordeal, Red Riding Hood, Grandma, and the wolf felt a certain commonality of purpose. They decided to set up an alternative household based on mutual respect and cooperation, and they lived together in the woods happily ever after.
Taylor Doors "Taylor" - 15 years, 28 days ago

When Sir Charles Meredith, an elderly and upright member of an exclusive London gentlemen's club, announces one night that he has a tale to tell privately to young Lord Whitby, soon to be the fifteenth Duke of Darnley, he startles everyone in the room, for none of them were used to hearing him speak. They are further startled by the arrangements that he makes to meet Whitby in private, away from the club to impart his narrative.
The following evening, Meredith and Whitby meet as planned and Meredith tells the tale of the thirteenth Duke of Darnley, Whitby's cousin, who disappeared under mysterious circumstances -- but Meredith is intimately acquainted with those circumstances, for he had once been Darnley's closest friend.
Meredith's tale begins with Darnley's hunting expedition to the Carpathians, where he encounters and kills a wolf of tremendous size and ferocity. Wounded in the battle, he finds himself slowly losing the use of his arm -- until the next full moon, when he himself becomes a beast such as the one he slew. Darnley is now a werewolf.
But rather than horror at his metamorphosis, Darnley feels complete fascination and sets out to study the changes taking place within him. He begins a diary, with careful notes concerning all his thoughts and feelings, as well as observations on his physical state. But Darnley's "experiments" soon begin to take a horrific turn -- and yet he feels no remorse at his actions, but justifies them by stating that they are natural and normal for one in his condition. And soon, he approaches Meredith, intending to invite his friend to join him in his new state of freedom.

Taylor Doors "Taylor" - 15 years, 1 month, 11 days ago

One summer the fox heard that Ankakumikaityn the nomad wolf was courting his neighbor, the elder she-dog. So the wily fox made himself an outfit of wolf's clothing: a grey fur cloak, boots and cap. Then, when the she-dog's brothers were away and she was at home with her younger sister, he called upon her.

"I have two herds of fat reindeer," said the fox to the elder sister, as he sipped the bilberry tea she offered him. "I have come to seek your hand."

Thinking that this was, indeed, Ankakumikaityn the nomad wolf, the she-dog treated him to reindeer meat, hot mare's-blood sausages, raw walrus liver and pickled fish, the very choicest pieces. All the while, the fox sat in his cap, unwilling to take it off lest he be recognized.

"Being a wealthy person," he explained, "I keep my cap on that people might respect me."All of a sudden, the sound of dogs barking could be heard from afar."It is my brothers returning from hunting," the she-dog said."Oh dear," exclaimed the fox, "they will likely scare my herds. I must run to caution them."

Once away from the tent, the fox quickly dashed up the nearby hill and loosened some rocks. When the dog brothers came in sight, he pushed the boulders down the hillside and crushed them all. Thereupon, he returned to the tent and finished his tea, charming the sisters with his oily-tongued tales. As dusk fell and the sisters were busy about their housework, he made off with all their food supplies.

Early next morning, the sisters became most alarmed on discovering their supplies gone and their brothers still absent. As they searched the valley and found their poor brothers dead, they wept in despair.

"Who could have done us such harm?" they wailed. In their sorrow, they decided to go to Ankakumikaityn to seek his counsel. The nomad wolf was puzzled. "But I never came to you yesterday!" he exclaimed.

It was not long before the sisters realized they had been tricked by the fox. With the wolf's help, they worked out a plan to get their revenge.

Next day, the fox, unaware that he had been discovered called on the sisters again dressed as Ankakumikaityn. But this time they were expecting him. While the fox drank bilberry tea and exchanged pleasantries, the nomad wolf stealthily entered the tent, grabbed the treacherous fox and tied him up.

"What shall we do with the scoundrel?"asked the wolf. "Let's put him in a sack and leave him in the tundra," suggested the two sisters. That they did. The poor fox almost fainted from fright, wondering what his fate would be. At last, he was set down with a bump; the younger sister collected a heap of dry grass and brushwood for a fire, piled it round the sack, surrounded the tinder with stones and then lit the fire. Poor fox. He at last burst out of the burning sack, his wolf's clothing aflame, and rushed headlong over the tundra like a burning torch. Satisfied at their revenge, the dog sisters and the wolf returned to the tent.

Ankakumikaityn wed the elder sister, and the younger dog looked after their children. Some time later, she found herself a husband too. Since that time red foxes began to appear in the tundra. So it seems that wily old fox, scorched and fiery red, managed to survive his roasting after all.
Taylor Doors "Taylor" - 15 years, 1 month, 12 days ago

My name is Bob, but nobody every calls me that. Everybody calls me the Big Bad Wolf.

Let me clear that up, right now. First, I’m not big. Bigger than the three little pigs, maybe. But, I’m really just an average size wolf.

Second, I’m not bad. I’ve just been trying to protect myself. Those three little pigs wouldn’t leave me alone. They were constantly hounding me and calling me names. I’m really very peaceful. Give me a chance and I can be a faithful friend.

The difference is publicity. The three little pigs show up in every cartoon and book as sweet, innocent babes. Well, let me tell you, they’re not sweet, they’re not innocent, and they’re certainly not babes. They are vicious, sadistic, little monsters.

Third, I didn’t huff and puff and blow their houses down. I have asthma. I couldn’t huff and puff and I could certainly never blow down a house.

Finally, I never hurt them. I don’t know what happened to them.

The only thing I can do is to tell you what really happened that day and let you decide.

It started as a typical day for me. I went out looking for some wildflowers to brighten up my kitchen when I decided to relax for a while and enjoy the beauty of nature. I sat down, had a cracker with my favorite pâté, enjoyed the peaceful day, and the beauty of nature.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, I heard voices. I looked all around and finally noticed the three little pigs hiding in some bushes. They were yelling, "Hey fur face, where’d you get that mangy tail?" and, "Go to the dentist, your breath stinks."

I couldn’t understand why they were being so nasty. So, I started to walk, peacefully, toward them. I only wanted to talk to them.

As I got close, they started running through the forest screaming, "Help, help, the Big Bad Wolf is chasing us."

Well, you can imagine how shocked I was. Being a peaceful wolf, I didn’t know why they would say such a thing. And, the dirty looks I got from the rest of the animals; you’d think I was actually chasing them.

I was depressed all the rest of the morning. I just sat in my den leafing through magazines. I happened to pick up a mail order catalog that my cousin, the coyote, had sent me. He lives out in the desert and has to order almost everything through mail order.

Suddenly, on page 58, I found something. I looked at the picture and read the description. I started thinking about how I could teach those pigs a lesson and I decided to order it.

I walked over to the forest pay phone and called ACME. I told them what I wanted and gave them my credit card number. (Only $39.95 plus $15.95 shipping and handling.)

As I walked back to my den, I heard a noise and looked up. There was a plane passing overhead and, as I watched, a door opened and something dropped out.

In a few seconds, a parachute opened and a box drifted slowly down and plopped to the ground nearly at my feet.

I looked at the label. It was addressed to me and was from the ACME company. My order had arrived!

I ripped open the box and pulled out all the parts.

I took out the instruction sheet (some assembly required) and started putting things together.

Several hours later I was the proud owner of an ACME High Power Leaf Blower. (Equipped with a fourteen horsepower motor; guaranteed to deliver 600 cubic feet of air per minute.)

Oops! I suddenly realized that I had ordered the electric model. I went back to the phone and called ACME. I told them what I had done and asked them to send me an extension cord.

As I walked back to my den, there was the sound of a plane, and I suddenly found myself buried under 5,000 feet of ACME Heavy Duty Extension Cord ($29.95 plus $15.95 shipping and handling).

Too late, I realized I had not ordered the ACME Extension Cord Organizer ($19.95 plus $15.95 shipping and handling).

It took me nearly three hours to untangle the mess and, when I was finally done, I plugged it in and tried it. It worked great, so I started out for the first little pig’s straw hut, unrolling the cord behind me.

When I got there, I politely called out to the little pig, "Yoohoo. Hello. Is anybody home?"

He screamed, "Get away from my house, you mangy furball!"

I called to him, "Why are you doing this? I just want to live in peace with my forest friends."

He just kept calling me names.

I finally said to him, "Okay, if you won’t stop calling me those awful names, I’m going to blow down your house so I don’t have to have such an unfriendly neighbor."

Did he stop? No. He just yelled, "Neighbor, shmeighbor, we don’t want you in our forest."

What could I do? I didn’t want to hurt him, so I said, "You better come on out. I’m going to blow down your house and I certainly don’t want you to get hurt."

He just kept yelling at me. So, I turned on the ACME leaf blower and, in just a few seconds, his house was gone.

The poor little pig was so scared he was shaking and I felt so sorry for him. I started to apologize when he suddenly started running through the forest yelling, "Help, help, the Big Bad Wolf just huffed and puffed and blew down my house. Now, he’s going to eat me."

I couldn’t believe he would say such a thing. I started after him to explain that I had no thoughts of hurting him. I just wanted to teach him a lesson.

When I got to the next little pig’s wooden house, I found two sneering faces looking out at me.

Again, I tried to reason with them. I calmly told them, "Come on, fellows, why don’t you stop calling me names?"

They didn’t stop. First one, then the other, "Go away, big foot," "Get out of our forest, you home wrecker."

I was so upset, I almost raised my voice as I said, "Okay, if you don’t want to live in harmony with me, I don’t want you as neighbors. You better come on out. I’m going to blow your house down."

Being the mean, nasty little creatures they are, they wouldn’t stop taunting me and they wouldn’t come out.

Now notice, I hadn’t been thinking of hurting them. I’d never do that. After all, I’m a peaceful wolf. I just wanted them to stop teasing and insulting me and leave me alone. I like to meat all my neighbors.

Since they wouldn’t, I turned on the leaf blower and knocked that house flat in just a few minutes.

When I was done, the two little pigs stood in the middle of the wreckage and shook with fear. I felt so bad, I even offered to help them rebuild their houses. But, they wouldn’t even listen.

They started running through the forest yelling, "Help, help, the Big Bad Wolf just huffed and puffed and blew our houses down. Now he’s going to eat us."

What could I do now? I didn’t have a choice. I had to straighten out this mess. I certainly didn’t want to get a bad reputation. So, I followed them to the third little pig’s brick house.

When I got there, the three of them were looking at me through the window. Again, they were teasing me and calling me names. I admit, I was a bit upset. I tried to reason with them.

"Come on, fellows," I said, "the forest is a big place. We can all live in peace together. We don’t have to be like this. What do you say? Come on out and let’s shake on our new friendship?"

Well, that didn’t work. They just yelled, "The only thing we want to shake is you, until you look like a milk shake."

I finally said, "Okay, if you don’t want to be friendly neighbors, I don’t want you living near me. Come on out so you don’t get hurt. I’m going to blow down your house."

When they refused to come out, I shook my head and turned on the leaf blower and...

Nothing happened.

I flicked the switch a couple of times and still nothing.

I looked back and saw the end of the extension cord lying about twenty feet behind me. I had run out of extension cord!

I went up to the door and gently knocked. I guess the little pig must have used inferior hinges because as soon as I knocked the door fell into the house.

When the door fell, the three little pigs scurried out the rear window and ran into the forest. I stood there calling after them for a long time.

When I realized they weren’t coming back, I went home.

The next day, the sheriff arr
Taylor Doors "Taylor" - 15 years, 1 month, 12 days ago