Had to share this one....


How to get to Heaven from Ireland

I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see
if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.

I asked them, 'If I sold my house and my car, had a big jumble
sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into
heaven?'

'NO!' the children answered.

'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept
everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?

Again, the answer was 'No!' By now I was starting to smile.

'Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweeties to all the
children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?

Again, they all answered 'No!'. I was just bursting with p ride for them.

I continued, ' Then how can I get into heaven?

A six year-old boy shouted out " YUV GOTTA BE FUKN' DEAD.”


Benita Elliott "B. B." Adventurous - 14 years, 7 months, 8 days ago

Cussing at Work

Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.

Therefore,a list of 18 New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

Number 1


TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.

Number 2
TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__.

Nu mber 3
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

Number 4
TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.

Number 5
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me!

Number 6
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell some one who gives a sh__.

Number 7
TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem.

Number 8
TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?

Number 9
TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.

Number 10
TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner?

Number 11
TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues...
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.

Number 12
TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.

Number 13
TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.

Number 14
TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I'm on salary.

Number 15
TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.

Number 16
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD O F: This f___ing job sucks.

Number 17
TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?

Number 18
TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.

Thank You,
Human Resources

Benita Elliott "B. B." Adventurous - 14 years, 7 months, 21 days ago

Calories Burned During Sex:


REMOVING HER CLOTHES:
With her consent.....................................12 Calories
Without her consent...........................2,187 Calories

OPENING HER BRA:
With both hands.................................. 8 Calories
With one hand....................................12 Calories
With your teeth.................................485 Calories

PUTTING ON A CONDOM:
With an erection...................... ................6 Calories
Without an erection...........................3,315 Calories

POSITIONS:
Missionary............................................12 Calories
69 lying down......................................78 Calories
69 standing up...................................812 Calories
Wheelbarrow.....................................216 Calories
Doggy Style.....................................326 Calories
Italian chandelier..........................2,912 Calories

ORGASMS:
Real.............................................112 Calories
Fake..........................................1,315 Calories

POST ORGASM:
Lying in bed hugging.............................18 Calories
Getting up immediately..........................36 C a lories
Explaining why you got out of bed immediately...816 Calories

GETTING A SECOND ERECTION: If you are:
20-29 years.......................................36 Calories
30-39 years.......................................80 Calories
40-49 years......................................124 Calories
50-59 years...................................1,972 Calories
60-69 years...................................7,916 Calories
70 and over........................Results are still pending

DRESSING AFTERWARDS

Calmly..........................................32 Calories
In a hurry.......................................98 Calories
With her father knocking at the door..........5,218 Calories
With your wife knocking at the door..........13,521 Calories

Results may vary.

THERE'S A LOT OF SADNESS IN THE WORLD..
Right now, as you read this, 60 Million Americans
are having SEX!
And you're on the computer!!!



.


Benita Elliott "B. B." Adventurous - 14 years, 7 months, 21 days ago

THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD


HOPE THIS MAKES YOU SMILE

THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD...
Well, it's shit... That's right, shit!
Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language.
You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit,
And tell others to eat shit.

Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference
between shit and shinola.
There are lucky shits, dumb shits, and crazy shits.
There is bull shit, horse shit, and chicken shit.

You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit,
shoot the shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan.

You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.


You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.



Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit,
And some days are just plain shitty.

Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.

You can have too much shit, not enough shit,
the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.

You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit,
or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.


Sometimes your breath smells like shit

Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit
and other times you fall in a bucket of shit
and come out smelling like a rose.
When you stop to consider all the facts,
it's the basic building block of the English language.
And remember, once you know your shit,
you don't need to know anything else!!
You could pass this along, if you give a shit;
or not do so if you don't give a shit!
Well, Shit, it's time for me to go.
Just wanted you to know that I do give a shit
and hope you had a nice day without a bunch of shit.
But, if you happened to catch a load of shit
from some shit-head...........
Well, Shit Happens!!!
HOPE YOUR SHITTY DAYS ARE FEW AND FAR BETWEEN



Oh, and someday's you can't shit!






Friendship is like peeing your pants. Everyone can see it; but, only you can feel the true warmth.


Benita Elliott "B. B." Adventurous - 14 years, 7 months, 21 days ago