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The Universe just vanished out of sight and its knowing your out there keeps me fighting. The Journey makes me strong Listening to the same songs over and over. If you have taken the time out, to read this, just hope you take the time to think about all you have. What you have done and why you have done whatever it is. Oh and thankyou too !!! I am sorry if its random in the context. I have to start this 27 years later and Know deep in my heart that if i dont write this... im going to go insane. Seeing as i havent any friends that i can talk too that have time for me to remember everything. So here i am writing what i supose is a memoir in my room, on a keyboard with no k, comma, or m keys and a sticky n key. If i had enough cash i guess id buy a new laptop. Let me just paint a little picture of the present, and maybe i can elaborate a little more as i remember stuff. Im 27, i I have two beautiful girls who i love and miss dearly and im not ashamed to tell you that i cry for them and pray for them. They are the only reason in the recent past that i havent ended everything. They are innocent victims of my ex partners pointless actions, that ill get into in a bit. Amy Jennifer is 4 she will be 5 in September. She has pride of place on my right arm. So she can always be with me in spirit. Poppy Amber is 2, soon to be 3 in November. She Also has pride of place on my left arm. I have plans to have the tattoos extended with the following phrases on the insides of each arm respectively, For Amy the words "always by my side" are to be written, and for poppy the words " always in my arms ". If any local tattoo artists wish to ink me please get intouch... i have a backpiece that i want to commision along with some portraits of my baby girls too. Can i just add at this point, I have said it before but i really mean it, Please Please dont feel sorry for me. Life isnt about holding grudges, everything happens for a reason. You cant control it, as much as id like to as we all would ! There are people in the world dying from cancer, aids and other horrific atrocities. My problems are nothing, i just need to let it all out because my brain is going to burst. I suppose it all started around 2 years ago, and lasted for a year. I was working as a tree surgeon, poppy was just a baby and amy was at the cute terrible twos age, into everything. It still seems like yesterday ! I had a bad accident where i was crushed in a tree, unfortunately it was the biggest tree i could have possible found and miles away from home. I had to make a choice that changed my life, a bit like a jigsaw puzzle from saw...... Either stay being crushed in the tree in excrutiating pain spitting out blood and feeling every single rib in my chest break, or be a sport and cut my ropes. I was 30 feet in the air. I cant tell you the thought process, it happened in less that 10 seconds. I lifted my chainsaw with the free hand i had, which was fortunatelly still running and cut the ropes to fall free. I remember the fall, it lives with me and i still dream about it every now and again, but i dont remember the impact. I must have been pretty floppy by that time anyway because after a few intense hours and scans and stuff. It was found that i only had some upperbody crush injuries. I hadnt a scratch on any other part of my body. I just sustained 5 broken ribs and a partial collapsed lung. I was self employed so i kinda knew that i had to will myself better, quickly so i was out of hospital in 7 days. I missed my kids too much, and i supose at the time i missed my partner too. As it goes it put me off trees and decided that i probably wouldnt do it again for a job, although being a self confessed adrehaline junkie, have been climbing since. lol. So what to do for a job, quickly ? My Neighbour worked as a labourer for a local company that worked all over the uk, as did my neighbour next door but one. My neighbour was a friend and managed to get me a job pretty quickly. probably within a month. I can safely say it was the best job i ever had. The work was very hard and monotonous, but it was reflected in the wages and the harder you worked the better your pay.... a good incentive that all employers should take. The only downside was the working away from home, it wasnt often. Probably once a month for a week at most. But the money was times 20% and you were looked after with other perks like good accomodation. Every time i worked away i was suspected of cheating on her, maybe accused is a better word? I can safely say that i would never, in my heart and on my kids lives would ever cheat on anyone. I was brought up catholic, although i kinda lost my faith with age, i talk to him all the time nowadays. I dont go to church but i do take a little time to connect just before bed just to ask for him to take care of my babies. I feel it in my heart that he does, i mean i couldnt sleep last night, and at 3.15 am my partner called me to tell me she had taken poppy to hospital for an asthma attack. I felt it? its weird i know sorry!! ..... anywho back a bit, I wouldnt cheat, ever .... ever .......even if it was put on a plate and rubbed in my face. I wouldnt do it, turning cheek and walking away is the only thing i would do. To make a painfully long story just a little shorter, she was cheating on me with my best friend and neighbour. I asked first if she had been cheating or not, to which i got a barage of lies, as expected ! but i apologised and moved on. I really did love her and i didnt want a young family to grow up in the affairs of today? thats a really bad choice of words, What i mean is, the world is full of single mums and i didnt want that to happen to me. Backtracking a little, she already had a son from a previous relationship. Who although she said i hated and didnt get on with, I really did love him. He was the son i always wanted, and even though troubled loved him just the same as my girls. unconditionally ! The kids father couldnt give a fuck about him, and to be brutally honest i dont think he gave a fuck about his dad either, sad seeing he was only 7. Her Mum took him under her wing and to this day he still lives with her. His Grandmother is more his mother. Ok forward a bit. She finally confessed that she had slept with him a bit later down the line, we had been together 5 years or so, and it really broke my heart and knocked me on my arse! i cant explain the pain i felt..... it was much worse than a near death experience, it was more like all i had ever lived for was taken away. Like i had done something wrong and i suppose i did blame myself. I took a couple of days for me to think about everything, we were busy at work but it took my mind off it a bit. This was when i found true friends in my work collegues who got me through it. It was a rainy day a few days after she spilled, and i broke down on a busy building site. They really helped me. i looked deep in my heart and forgave her. just as long as she didnt do it again, more for the kids sake than hers. It was water under the bridge but she didnt stop cheating. She was a nurse in manchester, he had been seeing her there, lifts back etc....... i caught her one morning at about 6am after her nightshift, getting out of his car.... i ran out of the house with a hammer and honestly would have killed him. I dont know what happened, but i didnt. Instead i took her back again ! It all ended about a month later when she told me it was over................................ she walked out of the house with the girls and into his house next door. It was officially over. The pain didnt stop, it was a nice spring and she rubbed it in my face daily by letting them play in the garden for me to see. I couldnt do anything but keep working. I gave her cash each week for them, even if it meant going without food for myself. And it frequently did mean just that. She came from a big family, who i can still to this day say that i love them all like my own family dearly, including her mum, who after everything threw me a lifeline to get away from the daily insult of seeing her with someone else. Her mum

About you:

As for Female companionship, i think im ready to treat someone to a meal, flowers and drinks ..Unconditional love to the right person, I Need someone to be there for me as i would be there for them. Its a bit cheesy but im the kind of guy that runs a bath for his girl, pampers and pays attention to her. Im not about going out and getting plastered. I like it once in a blue moon, but id rather go for a windy walk and end up in a pub for a few beers, gazing into beautiful eyes. I need company, i would say im a romantic. I always put all my effort into everything i do, if the right person needed me day or night, id be there. I would walk or run considering i cant drive. How sad is that, just cant afford it. I used to be in a band a long long time ago, i was the vocalist or singer, whichever you like to call it, and i have been writing songs since ive been here. i have been for years, but ive got quite a few now. Music plays a massive part in my life and its got me through really dark times, i really love it. I can listen to anything and enjoy it. Rock, Dance, Hip Hop, Classical, From Foo Fighters to Phil Collins and Snow Patrol to Snoop Dog. Bands youve never heard of Dance tracks you knew but never knew the name off. I also love the outdoors.... says it all, i run 3 miles a day, I have a whitewater Kayak, I left a £1000 Mountain Bike which i miss dearly and cant wait to save up and get a new one. I love the sea, I love camping, I Love riding, I love Mountaineering, Coasteering and climbing ( Although it cant be too nuts) I want to learn to parachute and base jump.