The Irish Daughter had not been to the house for over five years. Upon her return, her father cussed her: "Where have you been all this time, you ingrate? Why didn't you write us, or drop us a call - you little tramp!! Don't you care what you put your Mother through???"
The girl, crying, said 'sniff sniff'... "Dad, I became a prostitute..."
"WHAT??!! Out of here you shameless harlot, you Hussy, Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Family - I don't ever want to see you again!!"
"OK Dad, if you say so. I just came back to give Mum this luxury fur coat, title deeds to a ten-bedroomed Mansion, plus a savings account certificate for £5 million. For my little Brother this Gold Rolex, and for you Daddy - the spanking new limited edition Mercedes convertible, plus a lifetime Membership of the Country Club' Additionally an invitation for the whole family to spend Christmas and New Year aboard my 80ft Yacht cruising the Mediterranean" 'sniff sniff'.
Clearing his throat he said "What was it you said you had become?" 'sniffing' " A prostitute Dad"
" OH, Be-Jesus, you scared me half to death. I thought you said a Protestant. Come and give your old man a big hug!"
A mechanic was working on a BMW when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop. He shouted across the garage "Hey Doc., can I ask you a question?" The Doctor joined him. "So Doc., look at this layout. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them all back together again, and when I'm finished, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work??
The surgeon smiled, leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic "Try doing it with the engine running".
I was driving down the M1 in mid January ( going a little faster than I should ). I passed under a bridge only to see a police officer on the other side with a radar-gun. He pulled me over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronising smirk asked "Runway too short?"
To which I replied "I'm late for an appointment ".
" So, what do you do for a living?" he enquired.
" I'm a Rectum-stretcher ".
" What the hell does a Rectum-stretcher do?"
"Well," I said, " I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four. Then my whole hand in, working it side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch the opening until its about 6 feet".
Questioningly and cautiously the officer asked " And just what do you do with a six foot arsehole?"
" You give him a radar gun and get him to park behind a bridge ".
Speeding ticket £100; Court costs £45. Look on Copper's face: Priceless Trev Fraser"I belong to Anel"
- 10 years, 28 days ago