Below is an actual letter sent to a bank. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.
Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place for eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.

I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, prerecorded faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete.

I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further. Press buttons as follows:

1.- To make an appointment to see me.
2.- To query a missing payment.
3.- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4.- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5. -To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6.- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7.- To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated at a later date to the Authorized Contact.
8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.

The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous New Year?

Your Humble Client

Stu Fisher "Mikelangelo" Uncertain - 15 years, 4 months, 12 days ago

You may laugh out loud, but below is a real reply from the Inland Revenue. This has been circulated in AccountingWeb's latest TaxZone newsletter and, apparently, appeared in British newspaper, The Guardian:
I am writing to you to express our thanks for your more than prompt reply to our latest communication, and also to answer some of the points you raise. I will address them, as ever, in order.
Firstly, I must take issue with your description of our last as a "begging letter". It might perhaps more properly be referred to as a "tax demand". This is how we, at the Inland Revenue have always, for reasons of accuracy traditionally referred to such documents.
Secondly, your frustration at our adding to the "endless stream of crapulent whining and panhandling vomited daily through the letterbox on to the doormat" has been noted. However, whilst I have naturally not seen the other letters to which you refer I would cautiously suggest that their being from "pauper councils, Lombardy pirate banking houses and puissant gas-mongerers" might indicate that your decision to "file them next to the toilet in case of emergencies" is at best a little ill-advised. In common with my own organisation, it is unlikely that the senders of these letters do see you as a "lackwit bumpkin or, come to that, a "s*****g charity". More likely they see you as a citizen of Great Britain, with a responsibility to contribute to the upkeep of the nation as a whole.
Which brings me to my next point. Whilst there may be some spirit of truth in your assertion that the taxes you pay "go to shore up the canker-blighted, toppling folly that is the Public Services", a moment's rudimentary calculation ought to disabuse you of the notion that the government in any way expects you to "stump up for the whole damned party" yourself. The estimates you provide for the Chancellor's disbursement of the funds levied by taxation, whilst colourful, are, in fairness, a little off the mark. Less than you seem to imagine is spent on "junkets for Bunterish lickspittles" and "dancing wh***s" whilst far more than you have accounted for is allocated to, for example, "that box-ticking facade of a university system."
A couple of technical points arising from direct queries:
1. The reason we don't simply write "Muggins" on the envelope has to do with the vagaries of the postal system;
2. You can rest assured that "s*****g the very marrows of those with nothing else to give" has never been considered as a practice because even if the Personal Allowance didn't render it irrelevant, the sheer medical logistics involved would make it financially unviable. I trust this has helped.
In the meantime, whilst I would not in any way wish to influence your decision one way or the other, I ought to point out that even if you did choose to "give the whole foul jamboree up and go and live in India" you would still owe us the money. Please forward it by Friday.
Yours Sincerely,

Customer Relations Operations Manager, Her Majesty's Tax Collector.

Stu Fisher "Mikelangelo" Uncertain - 15 years, 4 months, 12 days ago

True telephone conversations recorded from various Help Desks around
>the U.K .
>
> Helpdesk: What kind of computer do you have?
> Customer: A white one...
> -------------------------------------------------------
>
> Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
> Helpdesk: Have you tried pushing the button?
> Customer: Yes, but it's really stuck.
> Helpdesk: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note ..
> Customer: No . wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's
>still on my desk... sorry .
> --------------------------------------------------------
>
> Helpdesk: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of
>the screen.
> Customer: Your left or my left?
> --------------------------------------------------------
>
> Helpdesk: Good day. How may I help you?
> Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
> Helpdesk: Would you click on start for me and ...
> Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on
> me! I'm not Bill Gates damn it!
> --------------------------------------------------------
>
> Hi good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I
>try it says
> 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it
>in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find
>it...
>
> --------------------------------------------------------
>
> Customer: I have problems printing in red...
> Helpdesk: Do you have a colour printer?
> Customer: No.
> ------------------------------------------------------
>
> Helpdesk: What's on your monitor now ma'am?
> Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the
>supermarket.
> --------------------------------------------------------
>
> Helpdesk: And now hit F8.
> Customer: It's not working.
> Helpdesk: What did you do, exactly?
> Customer: I hit the F-key 8-times as you told me, but nothing's
>happening...
> --------------------------------------------------------
>
> Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
> Helpdesk: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
> Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
> Helpdesk: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
> Customer: OK
> Helpdesk: Did the keyboard come with you?
> Customer: Yes
> Helpdesk: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there
>another
> keyboard?
> Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does
>work!
>
> -------------------------------------------------------
>
> Helpdesk: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a
>capita letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
> Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
> --------------------------------------------------------
>
> A customer couldn't get on the internet.
> Helpdesk: Are you sure you used the right password?
> Customer: Yes I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
> Helpdesk: Can you tell me what the password was?
> Customer: Five stars.
> --------------------------------------------------------
>
> Helpdesk: What antivirus program do you use?
> Customer: Netscape.
> Helpdesk: That's not an antivirus program.
> Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
> --------------------------------------------------------
>
> Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a
> screensaver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it
>disappears!
> --------------------------------------------------------
>
> Helpdesk: Microsoft Tech. Support, may I help you?
> Customer: Good afternoon! I have waited over 4 hours for you.
>Can you please tell me how long it will take before you can help me?
> Helpdesk: Uhh..? Pardon, I don't understand your problem?
> Customer: I was working in Word and clicked the help button more
>than 4 hours ago. Can you tell me when you will finally be helping me?
>
> --------------------------------------------------------
>
> Helpdesk: How may I help you?
> Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
> Helpdesk: OK, and, what seems to be the problem?
> Customer: Well, I have the letter a, but how do I get the circle
>aroundit?

Stu Fisher "Mikelangelo" Uncertain - 15 years, 4 months, 12 days ago

>> >SUCCESS:
>> >
>> >At age 4 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.
>> >At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
>> >At age 17 success is . . . having a drivers licence.
>> >At age 35 success is . . . having money.
>> >At age 50 success is . . . having money.
>> >At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers licence.
>> >At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
>> >At age 80 success is . . . not piddling in your pants

Stu Fisher "Mikelangelo" Uncertain - 15 years, 4 months, 12 days ago

>> >THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
>> >
>> >1) You believe in Santa Claus.
>> >2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
>> >3) You are Santa Claus.
>> >4) You look like Santa Claus.

Stu Fisher "Mikelangelo" Uncertain - 15 years, 4 months, 12 days ago