An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, the aroma of his favourite scones comes wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.
With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite scones.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture.
His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon......
F**k off" she said, "they're for the funeral."
Melissa "bens cult member" Inspired - 14 years, 10 months, 29 days ago

Baptizing an Irishman

A Irish man is stumbling through the woods, totally
drunk, when he comes upon a preacher
baptizing people in the river.


He proceeds to walk into the water and
subsequently bumps into the preacher.

The preacher turns around and is almost
overcome by the smell of alcohol,
whereupon he asks the drunk,

'Are you ready to find Jesus?'

The drunk shouts, 'Yes, oi am.'


So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.


He pulls him up and asks the drunk,
'Brother have you found Jesus?'

The drunk replies, 'No, oi haven't found Jesus.'

The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him
into the water again for a little longer.

He again pulls him out of the water and asks
again, 'Have you found Jesus me brother?'

The drunk again answers, 'No,oi I haven't
found Jesus.'

By this time the preacher is at his wits end
and dunks the drunk in the water again ---
but this time holds him down for about
30 seconds and when he begins kicking
his arms and legs he pulls
him up. The preacher again asks the
drunk, 'For the love of God have you
found Jesus?'


The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his
breath and says to the preacher,
'Are you sure this is where he fell in?'
Melissa "bens cult member" Inspired - 14 years, 10 months, 29 days ago

The Funeral Procession


A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.

Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, 'I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this.
Whose funeral is it?'

'My wife's.

''What happened to her?'

The man replied, 'My dog attacked and killed her'

He inquired further, 'But who is in the second hearse?'

The man answered, 'My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her.'

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.

'Can I borrow the dog?'

The man replied, 'Get in line.'
Melissa "bens cult member" Inspired - 14 years, 10 months, 29 days ago

Now there's a question you don't get too often... A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door.
She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there.
He asks the lady 'Do you have a vagina?'.
She slams the door in disgust..

The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman 'Do you have a vagina'.
She slams the door again.
Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days.
The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice 'Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again'.
The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door.




The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice 'Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with it'.
She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.
Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question.
Do you have vagina'....... 'Yes' she says......


The man replies Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours'?



Melissa "bens cult member" Inspired - 15 years, 3 months, 20 days ago

A man enters the confessional and says 'Bless me father for I have sinned; it has been one month since my last confession. I've had sex with Fannie Green every week for the last month.' The priest tells the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'

Soon, another man enters the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months.' This time the priest asks, 'Who is this Fannie Green?'. 'A new woman in the neighbourhood,' the sinner replies. 'Very well,' says the priest. 'Go and say ten Hail Mary's.'

The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching very shiny emerald green shoes. The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone style. The priest turns to the altar boy and whispering asks, 'Is that Fannie Green?' The altar boy has a good hard look....then replies, 'No Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes'.

Melissa "bens cult member" Inspired - 15 years, 3 months, 27 days ago