Still painfully unconfident in myself, my direction and my abilities.
Confronted with an awkward situation, or one that I'm the slightest bit uncomfortable with and I have this tendency to escape from it - usually literally. I understand this doesn't improve the situation, but I just can't seem to handle it.
Or why can't I drop a girl who consistently lies to me, and forges emotional relationships with other men, including the one's she's hurt me with before? Of course, I continue on blindly, fighting this and arguing with her and refusing to take her back but why do I want her now? Why can't I just... let it go? I can't muster the confidence to find someone else, but it just seems that I haven't really found anyone else I'd like to spend time with lately.
I'm in this program where everyone is really enthusiastic and inclusive, but I can't bring myself to forge new relationships. I'm not entirely sure why that is, but tonight I left an uncomfortable (probably my own fault...) situation and settled on a nice, long run...
... I stopped by my house and looked in the windows for a second, I'm not sure why that was. I don't live there any longer, I don't think I will for a while. I've been doubting that too, whether I should come back, whether I should be doing this, whether I'm capable, or whether I should throw it all away and join the forces.
... is it alright that the forces is a back up plan? It looks more inviting with every passing day. I mean, I'm a perfectionist, I can be aggressive, I'm in great shape and I can just let go and listen to orders - isn't that what I'm doing now anyways, just constantly being impersonal?
I just don't know sometimes... is it even right to continue with this program, considering how much I'm doubting myself now? I'm just not sure.
Aaron Weidemann "Toy NFS" Hopeless
- 15 years, 2 months, 29 days ago
