NATAL CURRY CONTEST
> If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's no Hope
> for you. I was crying by the end. Note: Please take time to read this slowly.
> For those of you who have lived in Natal, you know how typical this is.
> They actually have a Curry Cook-off about June/July.
> It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Royal Show in PMB.
> Judge #3 was an inexperienced food critic named Frank, who was
> visiting From America.
>
> Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a Curry
> Cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
> happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for
> directions to the Beer Garden when the call came in. I was assured by
> the other two judges (Natal Indians) that the curry wouldn't be all
> that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during
> the tasting, so I accepted".
>
> Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
>
> CURRY # 1 - SEELAN'S MANIAC MONSTER TOMATO CURRY...
> Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
> Judge # 2 -- Nice smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
> Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could
> remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
> flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.
>
> CHILI #2 - PHOENIX BBQ CHICKEN CURRY...
> Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of chicken. Slight chili tang.
> Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
> Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
> I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
> Wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver! They had to rush in more beer
> When they saw the look on my face.
>
> CURRY # 3 - SHAMILA'S FAMOUS "BURN DOWN THE GARAGE" CURRY...
> Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse curry. Great kick.
> Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of chili peppers.
> Judge # 3 -- Call 911. I've located a uraniums pill. My nose feels
> like I have been snorting Drain Cleaner. Everyone knows the routine by now.
> Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now
> my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting pissed from all the beer.
>
> CHILI # 4 - BABOO'S BLACK MAGIC BEAN CURRY...
> Judge # 1 -- Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.
> Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
> or other mild foods, not much of a curry.
> Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
> unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Shareen,
> the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 200kg
> woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
>
> CHILI # 5 LALL'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
> Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
> adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
> Judge # 2 -- Average beef curry, could use more tomato. Must admit the
> chili peppers make a strong statement.
> Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and
> I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me
> needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage.
> Shareen saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher.
> I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the
> other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.
>
> CHILI # 6 - VERISHNEE'S VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
> Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of
> spices and peppers.> Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
> Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
> gaseous, sulfuric flames. I am definitely going to shit myself if I
> fart and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems
> inclined to stand behind me except that Shareen. Can't feel my lips
> anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone ice-cream.
>
> CHILI # 7 - SELINA'S "MOTHER-IN-LAW'S-TONGUE" CURRY...
> Judge # 1 -- A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned
> peppers.
> Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
> chili peppers at the last moment. (I should take note at this stage
> that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of
> distress as he is cursing uncontrollably).
> Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
> wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world
> sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with
> curry which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava
> to match my shirt. At least, during the autopsy, they'll know what
> killed me. I've decided to stop breathing- it's too painful. Screw it;
> I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just suck it in
> through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
>
> CHILI # 8 - NAIDOO'S TOENAIL CURLING CURRY...
> Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending. This is a nice blend curry. Not too
> bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
> Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced curry. Neither mild
> nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,
> passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself.
> Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor man, wonder how he'd have
> reacted to really hot curry?
> Judge # 3 - No Report.
Carlos Santana "Charly " Frisky
- 15 years, 1 month, 9 days ago
