In the town where I live we've got this guy who is about three sandwiches short of a picnic. He drinks in the bar down the road and one night one of the new neighbors stopped in for a pint. Turns out he's a beekeeper and has two or three hives at the bottom of his garden. Somehow we all got to talking about pets and we're comparing them all. The beekeeper tells us that bees are actually quite smart for insects and to prove it told us this:
Every morning at 5 he'd go out to the hives and flip the latches to let the bees out. They'd all fly down to the park and wouldn't return until around five sharp that evening when he replaced the latch. Our friend (the Looney) started laughing at this point and when we asked why he thought this was funny he said, "cos it's bullshit! Everybody knows the park gates don't open till 10!
andy "ƵǾMbįέ®☆K" Bold - 16 years, 13 days ago

President Boris Yeltsin called Clinton with an emergency:

"Our largest condom factory has exploded!" the Russian President cried.

"My people's favorite form of birth control! This is a true disaster!"

"Boris, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you," replied the President.

"I do need your help," said Yeltsin. "Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over?"

"Why certainly! I'll get right on it!" said Clinton.

"Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said Yeltsin.

"Yes?"

"Could the condoms be red in color and at least 10" long and 4" in diameter?" said Yeltsin.

"No problem," replied the President and, with that, Clinton hung up and called the President of Trojan. "I need a favor, you've got to make 1,000,000 condoms right away and send them to Russia."

"Consider it done," said the President of Trojan.

"Great! Now listen, they have to be red in color, 10" long and 4" wide."

"Easily done. Anything else?"

"Yeah," said the President, "print 'MADE IN AMERICA, SIZE MEDIUM' on each one."
andy "ƵǾMbįέ®☆K" Bold - 16 years, 13 days ago

A man was out hunting. He just happened to be hunting bears. As he trudged through the forest looking for the beasts, he came upon a large and steep hill. Thinking that perhaps there would be bear on the other side of the hill, he climbed up the steep incline and, just as he was pulling himself up over the last outcropping of rocks, a huge bear met him nose to nose.
The bear roared fiercely. The man was so scared that he lost his balance and fell down the hill with the bear not far behind. As he tumbled down the hill, the man lost his gun. When he finally stopped at the bottom, he found that he had a broken leg. Escape was impossible and so the man, who had never been particularly religious (in fact this just happened to be a Sunday morning), prayed, "God, if you will make this bear a Christian I will be happy with whatever lot you give me for the rest of my life."

The bear was no more than three feet away from the man when it stopped dead in its tracks... looked up to the heavens quizzically... and then fell to its knees and prayed in a loud voice, "O Lord, bless this food of which I am about to partake."

andy "ƵǾMbįέ®☆K" Bold - 16 years, 13 days ago

A man travels to Spain and goes to Pamplona during the great "running of the Bulls" festival.

After his first day there, he goes out late for dinner at a restuarant in the center of the town. He orders the house special and he is brought a plate ,with potatoes, corn, and two large meaty objects.

"What's this?" he asks.

"Cojones, senor," the waiter replies.
"What are cojones?" the man asks.
"Cojones," the waiter explains, "are the testicles of the bull who lost at the arena this afternoon."

At first the man is disgusted, but being the adventurous type, he decides to try this local delicacy. To his amazement, it is quite delicious. In fact, it is so good that he decides to come back again the next night and order it again. This time, the waiter brings out the plate, but the meaty objects are much smaller.

"What's this?" he asks the waiter.
"Cojones, senor," the waiter replies.

"No, no," the man objects. "I had cojones yesterday and they were much bigger than these."

"Senor," the waiter explains, "the bull does not lose every time."
andy "ƵǾMbįέ®☆K" Bold - 16 years, 13 days ago

Often you'll do something the hard way when there's an easier way. Hopefully it won't be so daft that you'll be remembered for the incident, like this certain person who we'll leave un-named cos its pretty embarrassing.

The person in this tale of stupidity isn't stupid, but for this occasion stupidity was involved without question. Check out the facts..........

You've all bought something and sometimes had to sell something, this person was selling a set of weights, a plastic set which you fill with water. All you get is a bar plus a set of plastic weights which are various sizes. Fill em with water and they are pretty heavy.

The person here wanted to get rid of the weights and bar, you all know a bloke who's had a sudden urge to take up the weights and then a few months later realizes the folly of exercise. This bloke decided to sell them. Probably to spend the money on the much less healthy pursuit of drinking beer. Unfortunately he just put the weights filled with water into a hold all bag and staggered to the bus stop to go into town.

Its difficult to remember the lads description of how heavy the weights filled with water actually were, I think he described them as "heavy as fu**" when we all questioned him over the adventure.

Apparently he got into Town, dripping with sweat and looking absolutely shattered. He staggered along to a second hand shop, and the bloke there actually pointed out that all he had to do was unscrew the caps on the weights and let the water out. I think the reply was "Fu**ing hell!" Anyway, you may as well learn by another's mistakes, and if you should ever find yourself with a set of plastic weights filled with water, and you need to carry them any distance. You're best to let the water out.
andy "ƵǾMbįέ®☆K" Bold - 16 years, 13 days ago